Ask a Centrist 2

[Previously: Part 1]

You’re reading Ask a Centrist, the only advice column that dares to ask, “Why not neither?” It is penned by nationally recognized professor of median studies Jonathew Chaitglesias. Remember, just as the fulcrum balances the lever, so too does the centrist balance the rash foolishness of Opinions.

Dear Centrist,

I don’t know if you saw but the richest man alive did a thing with his hands during the imperial inauguration. The thing was maybe somewhat superficially similar to a thing that some other guys did with their hands a long time ago, only those guys killed like millions of people, and the thing those guys did with their hands was sort of a celebration of or a salute to their main guy, the guy whose idea it was to kill all those people.

Also the rich guy, the current guy, is like an advisor or something to the new Ruler.

Is this bad or good (that the rich guy did that thing with his hands)?

Sincerely,

Perplexed re: Postures

My dear PP,

I won’t mince words: You’ve come to the right place. Finding out whether something is good or bad is kind of my whole thing! (Major spoilerage: If it’s extreme, it’s bad. If not, good.)

I understand your confusion, PP. Lots of scary extremists on both sides (the left and the ultra-left) have gotten their unmentionables (underwear) in a Gordian knot (special type of knot) over whether the Ruler’s powerful new ally is a “hateful fascist,” a “creepy melted marshmallow robber baron,” and/or a “semi-sentient wax mannequin with a serious head injury” (their words!).

As I’m sure you’ve seen, those selfsame deranged radicals have been penning countless hit pieces crying that The Gesture was “intentional” and “the worst gesture a person can make” and “pretty effing obvious.”

But around here, we don’t deal in extremist hyperbole, which is literally the worst thing a person can do.

In my mind, the question is emphatically not whether The Gesture was itself “good” or “bad” or “astonishingly evil.” The question is whether the gentleman who (allegedly!) performed it meant to take an extreme stance as he raised his wealthy arms—or not.

Now, a simpleton might read my words above and conclude that by doing The Gesture, our Ruler’s new ally was engaging in something quite extreme indeed: intentionally referencing and performing the same fiery and bellicose hatred of those long-ago murderers of millions. To which I would counter: Not so!

Allow me to illustrate by way of an example.

Let’s say the great clown Pagliacci is performing for a sold-out crowd. As part of his act, he pretends that his shrewish wife is once again needling him with absurd requests (do a load of laundry, things of that nature). The clown grows increasingly exasperated, then finally mimes strangling her to death (note that there is no actual wife on stage—it’s all imaginary!). The crowd roars with laughter.

Now, would you saw that Pagliacci himself is therefore a woman-hating misogynist abuser? Of course not! He is performing an act in order to get laughs, perhaps even to subvert the very idea of misogyny—since the crowd is laughing at his antics, they are also laughing at the idea of a buffoonish male murdering his spouse, laughter being the best medicine. In short, Pagliacci’s act is entirely irrelevant to Pagliacci as a person. We simply cannot know what is in the great clown’s heart.

Similarly, I believe the Ruler’s ally was simply performing the idea of The Gesture in order to point out how silly such outdated notions are, and indeed to draw attention to the mainstream media’s absurd emphasis on endlessly debating questions like “is this man a fascist?” He is holding a mirror up to society itself, forcing us to view our own clownish antics. To which we might reply: Masterful gambit, sir.

Another element to consider: I think what’s happening here is that progressives (shudder) are, as usual, trying to find a mythical silver bullet they can use to kill the far-right bogeyman dictator they imagine has taken over the empire. “He pals around with fascists, is himself a fascist,” etc. Please. Spare me.

My friend, it simply does not matter whether one of the most powerful men alive is a fascist. Until we develop much more advanced technology, we cannot gaze into his soul and see what is truly writ therein. What’s important here and now is that we reach across the aisle both ways and find a moderate middle ground between fascism and not-fascism: a little something I like to call semi-non-fascism. It’s about the give and take. Sure, some people might lose the odd civil right here and there, but think of the gains! Think of the taxes you won’t have to pay, if you’re above a certain income bracket! Think of all the righteous new vacation spots you’ll have access to as the empire expands!

My vote: The maybe-fascist Gesture was extreme, all right—extremely thought-provoking!

Medially,